I've found myself in a state of inbetween. I'm not happy, but i'm not sad either. I'm not at school, i'm home. I'm ok with being home, but I can't be myself when i'm here, I want to be at school. I'm making money, which I NEED but I don't have any time to chill out because of it.
I just want to be accepted. Those that understand me and my place to be myself is school. No one knows me or anything about me unless I choose to let them. So I can truly be myself, make of myself what I want, do what I want and make my life what I want it to be, not what everyone else says it should be. Yet, I find myself laying on my bed in my room at home. Which blows. I want to be back in the place where I have no rules or people to tell me what to do, when to do it and who have my life planned out before me, who don't let me make my own mistakes...
Right before I left for this hellishly long break I started to really figure out who I am, one of the BEST feelings in the world. However the feeling got ripped away when I had to come home. Just sitting here, constantly checking my email to see if i'm going to be allowed to have that feeling ever again it just hit me. I'll never be accepted for who I am.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Friday, November 30, 2007
Time of year or Month?
I've noticed that i've been really down lately and I don't know why. Nothing bad has happened it's just been the same old shit every day.. so it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. WHY have I been feeling so depressed/sad all the time? My grades are getting better, 2 weeks left until christmas break, i'm not broke i really just don't have a reason to feel like this. It's very discouraging.
I have smoked like every day straight this week.. but that usually doesn't affect me like that. So I really don't know..
Ok nothing else to say.
Later!
I have smoked like every day straight this week.. but that usually doesn't affect me like that. So I really don't know..
Ok nothing else to say.
Later!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
is it wrong?
Is it entirely wrong of me to get mad/upset when someone does something that really hurts my feelings. What if the person doesn't know my story or why doing a certain thing would upset me.... is it still wrong of me to get upset?
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I'm sorry
I fail to update this thing like I should. I just havn't had much time and a lot has been going on lately. Oh well.
1. I almost got arrested.
2. I bust my ass at least 10 times.
3. Mom is pissed at me
4. Add Minor
5. Waverly Hills
6. Driving in wind
7. Trish and Allyn
8. Math
9. Fred Flinstone
10. Fire in TCCW
11. Seth to WKU
If you can't tell from the list, I have a lot to blog about...
Continuing from the last post I made about me contacting Baja's girlfriend/babymamma...
Trish and I went through the drive thru where he works.. which was actually a lot of fun.. I'm insane and there was this truck in front of us.. with a big ass dog in the bed. I rolled down my window and started barking/howling loudly to see what the dog would do... basically it just looked at me like i'm a dumbass. When I eventually got up to the window, the girl working it said the dude driving the truck asked her if there was a dog in the car behind him. haha. Then I talked to her about Baja and how he's an ass... which gave me a "great" idea. Trish and I left BK and went to buy a window marker, which I proceeded to write all over Baja's windows. Stuff like " honk if you hate cheaters" " Fuck you" "Payback sucks huh?" " I get head from girls who aren't my gf!" etc. Well about an hour after we did it, I get a call. From the BGPD saying I need to call them back.
Basically I just got yelled at for doing it, and told to stay away from Baja. Whatever. Then I called Baja and yelled at him for not having the balls to deal with shit for himself.. omg it was a fucking window marker etc.
The next day he had the neve to call me and ask me to come meet him to just talk all this over. I'm a dumbass and I said yeah ok whatever and drove to the said location. He looked like shit. I don't know how else to describe it. He apologized for hurting me repeatedly and kept asking if we could just be friends. I never gave him a real response to anything, just lectured him. Then he brings me a teddy bear that he bought for me because "of how sorry he is and how bad he feels about it all" wtf so now I have a teddy bear in my room from Baja, that's cool... I don't know what the hell to do/think about any of this.
2. This week it has been raining a lot.. well the first day of the rain I definatly wore flip flops around all day.. when it rains down here, every building has a rug right inside the doors.. which eventually ends and it's just tile floor... flip flops are slick... I busted my ass in front of a lot of people at least 10 times all day. It was real embarrassing, and I have a nasty bruise on my knee.
3. For some reason my mom is pissed at me.. I think because lately whenever she calls me i'm busy with school shit or taking a nap or something.. so she thinks i'm ignoring her and that i don't have time to talk to my own mom... she doesnt' understand how busy i am right now. Like the semester is almost over, i'm failing my math 116 class because I don't understand any of it and my teacher BLOWS. But i took a retest today and hopefully I did well on it.
4. I am now a Meteorology major with a Minor in Broadcasting.
5. Waverly Hills Sanatorium, Louisville Ky. I had a tour with Brandon, Hershel, Matt Bell, Matt Meredith and Aaron on sunday. It was fucking AWESOME! we went down the death tunnel, toured the whole building, took pictures, saw shadow people, heard footsteps going down the hall when no one was visibly there and yeah it was pretty sweet! i have pictures on facebook if you want to see them.
6. Don't drive when you have really strong wind. It's scary and not easy to do. I drove to Brandon's house last night and I really thought I was going to die.. at first I thought something was wrong with my car, so I pulled over and got out to look at it, when I got out of the car I almost got blown over... it was intense... and I don't reccommend driving in wind like that... I almost didn't drive back last night, I was going to crash at brandon's.
7. In my Meteorology 121 class, there is this annoying ass dude. His name is Allyn, he "has an iq of 155" and always has something to say about everything. Maybe a personal experience, scientific explanation or whatever to make him seem even more egotistical. Ew I can't stand him.... most people can't. Anyway, Trish went to the Meteorology club meeting with me last thursday, when we were there.. who comes in.. yeahhhh Allyn. Well, Trish thought he was "so cute!" and eventually found him on myspace, they started talking, hung out once (yes.. once) and now they're dating. I'm not hanging out with her if she's going to be with him. Oh my godddd. I can't. That's all there is to it... I just can't.
8. Work party on Halloween, Fred Flinstone returns. Dk what i'm talking about... look at my fb albums.. the Fred Flinstone one. yeah, I know that's what I was last year, but hell.. new people... fucking awesome costume.. why not?
9. My math class got out early today because the fire alarms went off. i got out of a quiz.. HELL YEAH!!! Found out later that there really was a fire on the 2nd floor. crazy.
10. I get to drive Big Red around campus tomorrow. My friend Nathan is Big Red. There is a soccer game tomorrow night, starting at 6. At 6:30 I get to drive Nathan in the Big Red suit from the soccer complex to the arena... he won't have time to change, and i'm not complaining.
Seth is coming down this weekend.. so that's gonna be an experience...
after that we're going to go get dinner, go to Brandon's house, go to Joppa (the haunted church), go to the haunted bridge, then get drunk. Saturday is tailgating and the game.. yeah it's gonna be pretty fun. I dk if I have to work on sunday or not.. hopefully not because if I do i'll be hung overrrrrrr.
yeahhhh
1. I almost got arrested.
2. I bust my ass at least 10 times.
3. Mom is pissed at me
4. Add Minor
5. Waverly Hills
6. Driving in wind
7. Trish and Allyn
8. Math
9. Fred Flinstone
10. Fire in TCCW
11. Seth to WKU
If you can't tell from the list, I have a lot to blog about...
Continuing from the last post I made about me contacting Baja's girlfriend/babymamma...
Trish and I went through the drive thru where he works.. which was actually a lot of fun.. I'm insane and there was this truck in front of us.. with a big ass dog in the bed. I rolled down my window and started barking/howling loudly to see what the dog would do... basically it just looked at me like i'm a dumbass. When I eventually got up to the window, the girl working it said the dude driving the truck asked her if there was a dog in the car behind him. haha. Then I talked to her about Baja and how he's an ass... which gave me a "great" idea. Trish and I left BK and went to buy a window marker, which I proceeded to write all over Baja's windows. Stuff like " honk if you hate cheaters" " Fuck you" "Payback sucks huh?" " I get head from girls who aren't my gf!" etc. Well about an hour after we did it, I get a call. From the BGPD saying I need to call them back.
Basically I just got yelled at for doing it, and told to stay away from Baja. Whatever. Then I called Baja and yelled at him for not having the balls to deal with shit for himself.. omg it was a fucking window marker etc.
The next day he had the neve to call me and ask me to come meet him to just talk all this over. I'm a dumbass and I said yeah ok whatever and drove to the said location. He looked like shit. I don't know how else to describe it. He apologized for hurting me repeatedly and kept asking if we could just be friends. I never gave him a real response to anything, just lectured him. Then he brings me a teddy bear that he bought for me because "of how sorry he is and how bad he feels about it all" wtf so now I have a teddy bear in my room from Baja, that's cool... I don't know what the hell to do/think about any of this.
2. This week it has been raining a lot.. well the first day of the rain I definatly wore flip flops around all day.. when it rains down here, every building has a rug right inside the doors.. which eventually ends and it's just tile floor... flip flops are slick... I busted my ass in front of a lot of people at least 10 times all day. It was real embarrassing, and I have a nasty bruise on my knee.
3. For some reason my mom is pissed at me.. I think because lately whenever she calls me i'm busy with school shit or taking a nap or something.. so she thinks i'm ignoring her and that i don't have time to talk to my own mom... she doesnt' understand how busy i am right now. Like the semester is almost over, i'm failing my math 116 class because I don't understand any of it and my teacher BLOWS. But i took a retest today and hopefully I did well on it.
4. I am now a Meteorology major with a Minor in Broadcasting.
5. Waverly Hills Sanatorium, Louisville Ky. I had a tour with Brandon, Hershel, Matt Bell, Matt Meredith and Aaron on sunday. It was fucking AWESOME! we went down the death tunnel, toured the whole building, took pictures, saw shadow people, heard footsteps going down the hall when no one was visibly there and yeah it was pretty sweet! i have pictures on facebook if you want to see them.
6. Don't drive when you have really strong wind. It's scary and not easy to do. I drove to Brandon's house last night and I really thought I was going to die.. at first I thought something was wrong with my car, so I pulled over and got out to look at it, when I got out of the car I almost got blown over... it was intense... and I don't reccommend driving in wind like that... I almost didn't drive back last night, I was going to crash at brandon's.
7. In my Meteorology 121 class, there is this annoying ass dude. His name is Allyn, he "has an iq of 155" and always has something to say about everything. Maybe a personal experience, scientific explanation or whatever to make him seem even more egotistical. Ew I can't stand him.... most people can't. Anyway, Trish went to the Meteorology club meeting with me last thursday, when we were there.. who comes in.. yeahhhh Allyn. Well, Trish thought he was "so cute!" and eventually found him on myspace, they started talking, hung out once (yes.. once) and now they're dating. I'm not hanging out with her if she's going to be with him. Oh my godddd. I can't. That's all there is to it... I just can't.
8. Work party on Halloween, Fred Flinstone returns. Dk what i'm talking about... look at my fb albums.. the Fred Flinstone one. yeah, I know that's what I was last year, but hell.. new people... fucking awesome costume.. why not?
9. My math class got out early today because the fire alarms went off. i got out of a quiz.. HELL YEAH!!! Found out later that there really was a fire on the 2nd floor. crazy.
10. I get to drive Big Red around campus tomorrow. My friend Nathan is Big Red. There is a soccer game tomorrow night, starting at 6. At 6:30 I get to drive Nathan in the Big Red suit from the soccer complex to the arena... he won't have time to change, and i'm not complaining.
Seth is coming down this weekend.. so that's gonna be an experience...
after that we're going to go get dinner, go to Brandon's house, go to Joppa (the haunted church), go to the haunted bridge, then get drunk. Saturday is tailgating and the game.. yeah it's gonna be pretty fun. I dk if I have to work on sunday or not.. hopefully not because if I do i'll be hung overrrrrrr.
yeahhhh
Monday, October 15, 2007
don't let BITCHES bring you down!!!!
so I was browsing myspace the other day and I go to Baja's friends page and I find this girl... her main picture was of her and baja and her page was practically dedicated to him.
I added her so I could see the rest of her page. It said they're together and all this other bullshit. I called Baja, bitched him out... emailed the girl and told her how he's been cheating on her and that i'm sorry.. if I had known about her I would have never done anything that I did bc i'm not like that...
she didn't email back and I don't think she believes me because she changed her headline to "don't let bitches bring you down" but whatever. it's her choice to be with an asshole.
I don't care.
That's all... no one reads this anyways.
I added her so I could see the rest of her page. It said they're together and all this other bullshit. I called Baja, bitched him out... emailed the girl and told her how he's been cheating on her and that i'm sorry.. if I had known about her I would have never done anything that I did bc i'm not like that...
she didn't email back and I don't think she believes me because she changed her headline to "don't let bitches bring you down" but whatever. it's her choice to be with an asshole.
I don't care.
That's all... no one reads this anyways.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Life's funny
I love life. I really do. It's so funny how a horrible day can somehow turn out alright in the end.. in that minute right before you go to bed to hopefully wake up to a better, new day.
Yesterday I went to Huso's apartment again, but I made sara and her boyfriend Won go with me.. I figured it would be a little more fun. When we got there, Huso asked me if I would go pick up his room mate James.. first I said no because I don't want to be around him.. but me being the nice person that I am.. and not wanting to leave him stranded, i picked him up, but I made sara ride with me, not to mention it was in the ghetto. Oh but it wasn't just him, it was 3 black dudes getting into the back of my saturn.. yeahhhhh I wanted to shoot them all in the face during the drive back to Huso's because well... we had to listen to fucking some hardcore rap ( i like rap but I like to hear it, not hear them screaming the words) godddddd. When i got back to Huso's the one black dude bloc was talking to me and started shit about slavery not being over because people wear white to weddings and black to funerals or something along those lines... then he asked me to wear my sunglasses... they're white... so I told him no. haha. yeah.
I don't have a problem with black people at all...well for the most part... being in close corners with them makes me want to scream... maybe because they always are?
After a while, Huso and the black dudes leave to go get some ganj.. but after like 20 minutes, Huso comes in and said we should leave because someone just yelled outside about cops and asked me to drop him off at his friends house on my way back to campus. What the fuck ever... I definatly threw in on some green but I never got to smoke at all yesterday, all I did was play taxi cab. AAAAHHHH! I was sooo pissed off.
Anyway, after we dropped Huso off Sara, her bf and me went to the burger king that Baja works at. We met one of sara and Won's friends who happens to know Baja in the parking lot. Well, instead of hanging out with me, and taking a break or whatever, Baja went outside and talked to Demir the whole time. Which pissed me off... so i went outside to ask Baja what was going on when he got off work and he just said " i'm talking to my friend right now."
So I left him a vmail and told him he better call me back... that is if he wasn't talking to anymore of his friends.. .well he called and made me feel better...
so basically disreguard that poem i posted last night.
Other than that I think i'm still going to that party on sunday with baja.. he told me last night that he thinks it's still going on... so I dunno.. I hope it does.
Volim Te - I love you
Haj Kako Si - Hi, how are you?
Lesh Duba - lick my ass.
just a few things I learned in Bosnian.
the last one was a mean ass joke they played on me. go figure.
Yesterday I went to Huso's apartment again, but I made sara and her boyfriend Won go with me.. I figured it would be a little more fun. When we got there, Huso asked me if I would go pick up his room mate James.. first I said no because I don't want to be around him.. but me being the nice person that I am.. and not wanting to leave him stranded, i picked him up, but I made sara ride with me, not to mention it was in the ghetto. Oh but it wasn't just him, it was 3 black dudes getting into the back of my saturn.. yeahhhhh I wanted to shoot them all in the face during the drive back to Huso's because well... we had to listen to fucking some hardcore rap ( i like rap but I like to hear it, not hear them screaming the words) godddddd. When i got back to Huso's the one black dude bloc was talking to me and started shit about slavery not being over because people wear white to weddings and black to funerals or something along those lines... then he asked me to wear my sunglasses... they're white... so I told him no. haha. yeah.
I don't have a problem with black people at all...well for the most part... being in close corners with them makes me want to scream... maybe because they always are?
After a while, Huso and the black dudes leave to go get some ganj.. but after like 20 minutes, Huso comes in and said we should leave because someone just yelled outside about cops and asked me to drop him off at his friends house on my way back to campus. What the fuck ever... I definatly threw in on some green but I never got to smoke at all yesterday, all I did was play taxi cab. AAAAHHHH! I was sooo pissed off.
Anyway, after we dropped Huso off Sara, her bf and me went to the burger king that Baja works at. We met one of sara and Won's friends who happens to know Baja in the parking lot. Well, instead of hanging out with me, and taking a break or whatever, Baja went outside and talked to Demir the whole time. Which pissed me off... so i went outside to ask Baja what was going on when he got off work and he just said " i'm talking to my friend right now."
So I left him a vmail and told him he better call me back... that is if he wasn't talking to anymore of his friends.. .well he called and made me feel better...
so basically disreguard that poem i posted last night.
Other than that I think i'm still going to that party on sunday with baja.. he told me last night that he thinks it's still going on... so I dunno.. I hope it does.
Volim Te - I love you
Haj Kako Si - Hi, how are you?
Lesh Duba - lick my ass.
just a few things I learned in Bosnian.
the last one was a mean ass joke they played on me. go figure.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Worthwhile Man
When everything is up in smoke
and there's nothing left for me to do,
the only thing I want is to be with you.
I just need to know, is this real or just a joke?
In my thoughts you're all I ever see,
your arms around me, just hold me tight.
You make it all feel alright.
I need to know, do you really like me?
For the first time I had a view
of what I thought this was all about.
Now, my mind is filled with doubt
I really thought I knew.
I've done all I can
I'm not letting anyone else in this far
In my galaxy you were the brightest star.
I thought you were a worthwhile man.
and there's nothing left for me to do,
the only thing I want is to be with you.
I just need to know, is this real or just a joke?
In my thoughts you're all I ever see,
your arms around me, just hold me tight.
You make it all feel alright.
I need to know, do you really like me?
For the first time I had a view
of what I thought this was all about.
Now, my mind is filled with doubt
I really thought I knew.
I've done all I can
I'm not letting anyone else in this far
In my galaxy you were the brightest star.
I thought you were a worthwhile man.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)