Why... why why why why does everything like to tease me ... it all seems good and that it's going my way for once... and then all of a sudden boom! it all fucking blows up in my face.
So the day I moved in I was hanging out with my ex's brother .. when he leaves my phone rings with a number I don't know.. turns out he gave one of his friends my number because he's looking for a girl and he told him I'm cool or something... so I met the guy later that night and we hit it off right away. We went to the haunted bridge and everything was going awesome.. like beyond belief.. amazing.
So we decided to do something again the next day.. he came up to my dorm room and we hung out for a while.. it's taken me sooo long to find someone like him.. and I was literally in a constant euphoria.. when I blew out my tire yesterday, he was the one that put the spare on for me... I never thought I would find someone like him.. I really started to think I would never find anyone.. and then here he came.
We hung out again today before he went to work today too. But, when I got back to my room my phone rang and it was him. He told me that his ex girlfriend who he hasn't seen since april called him and said that she is pregnant with his child. Also, that if he doesn't support her and be with her that he'll have to pay child support...
He repeatedly apologized to me, and told me that everything will be ok.. that he cares for me alot and would never want to hurt me etc etc.. which didn't exactly make things better for me emotionally... I know It might sound retarded.. but it was like false hope.. It really hurts to think of what could have been. I know I don't know him all that well.. but it really feels like I have.. he treated me right for once I had a guy that wasn't a jackass and it was one of the best feelings ever.
He actually called, cared about how i was feeling, wanted to see me, to talk to me, to hold me etc.
and now it's all been ripped away from me.
Then he said we'll work something out.. he still wants me in his life, he doesn't want to let me go. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I knew it was too good to be true.... good stuff just isn't meant for me... don't contradict that statement fellow bloggers.. because the facts are right there.. nothing ever goes right for me. EVER.
To make matters even better.. he calls me and says he's going to louisville for the whole week next week and won't be back till saturday.. and he might be moving there after that to live with his sister...which means we can't talk hardly at all because he doesn't have money for long distance or the internet. FUCKING AWESOME!
God... I 've realized that my life is a constant spiral... I get a few days of false happiness maybe even euphoria.. and then it crashes down around me... one thing after another... I LOVE IT!
I give up. I give up on guys, ever being happy and it lasting, and on people in general. Life is all about working, working to buy shit that after like a week gets old.. so you have to buy more new things which in turn do the same thing.. you can't buy happiness... which really really sucks for people like me.. People that never have anything go their way.
I just don't understand why so so so many other people out there have it so much better... or how they cover so well?
if anyone knows any of these answeres or has any comments... humor me... I beg you.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
all curbs should be rounded!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate the parking structure at WKU and I hate the gay ass curbs inside it.
I now have 3 tires on my car instead of 4. As I pulled into the parking garage I fucking decide to say hello to the stupid ass curb that makes you turn your wheels all retarded just to turn a corner.. it wouldn't have been a problem if they had both fucking lanes open.. why was the other one closed? please humor me! There was no reason to have it closed!!! WTF!!
So I hit the curb really hard and really loud.. which was embarrassing enough.. but no... then I park my car and go over to that side of it to check shit out.. and i hear a wooshing sound.. touch the back tire and yeah there's a big ass slash in it!!!!!!
GRRRRRRRRR So I called my ex's cousin who'se going to school down here for auto mechanics and he came over and put the spare on... now i have to call into work and it's only my second day at the bowling green kohl's.. GOD DAMN IT! I know you really can drive on a spare but I really really just don't want to... I'm stressed the fuck out right now...
what makes matters worse is the fact that the tires aren't even a week old.. I bought four new tires on monday... tomorrow makes a week!! Shit always decides to happen to me when I think everything is going good...
Friday, August 17, 2007
DON'T YOU QUIT!
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
This poem was given to me when I was in my self proclamed "dark years" I still read it when I feel down.. so I just wanted to pass it along to anyone that might need it.
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
This poem was given to me when I was in my self proclamed "dark years" I still read it when I feel down.. so I just wanted to pass it along to anyone that might need it.
Fuck Hoxworth
August 16th 2007.. a rather stressful and fun day. It started out at Coney Island with my mom, two cousins and 5 other kids whom one of the three of us was watching. I took the older kids around to the bigger rides which was fun. It was so fucking hot yesterday though so that sucked. Anyway after Coney Island I had to come home and give a flute lesson after which I had an appointment to donate blood.
I get to Hoxworth, fill out the questionare and go to have my stats done before getting in the chair. There is a question on the paper that asks do you have any heart or lung problems.. so I checked yes. Only because at birth and like 2 years ago I had an ekg done and it showed an abnormality. After further research into it.. it turned up to be nothing to worry about period. Just an electrical thing which means my heart transmitts messages to the valves, telling them when to pump differently than most people. I couldn't remember the name for it so I tried to explain it to the nurse. She took it to mean an irregular heart beat or something.. which it is nothing of the sort. Then the head dude came to talk to me about it and said I had to wait for their doctor in cincinnati to contact my heart doctor (which I no longer see.... as it was not a problem), or I could go get a note from my doctor, bring it back and donate that night.
So I decided to do the latter. When I came back in with the signed note allowing me to donate blood, the lady was a real bitch. She was like "you can't donate today, we told you that you have to wait for our head doctor to ok it." I responded with "Well what i'm trying to tell you is that that foreign dude and my nurse earlier said if I get a note from my doctor, bring it back and I can donate tonight." Then the dumb bitch got all in my face and said, "well i'm telling you our policies changed about three weeks ago.. our doctor has to approve it!!"
I wound up storming out the door yelling ,"well don't fucking call me with your harassing messages that i'm eligable to donate blood then! "
The whole situation just pissed me off. How the hell is their doctor going to be able to approve me to donate blood? Does she know me? Am I going to get an appointment for tests and shit with her? I highly doubt it. In all actuality, she'll be calling to talk to my doctor and ask if it's ok.. which was the whole fucking point of me going over to get the god damn note!! So I really just wasted my time and gas getting the fucking note that will in the long run do the same fucking thing their almighty doctor will do. What's more is this is like the 10th time i have donated.. never been a problem before has it? If they're going to educate a few nurses of the new policy.. educate fucking all of them!
They're a fucking donation place.. people come in there out of the good of their hearts to donate the blood of life.. to save other people's lives, getting nothing out of it in return but a bandaid. The last way someone who works at such organizations should treat the donor is how I was treated...
I guess they shouldn't give out those stickers anymore that say "be nice to me, I saved lives today.. i'm a BLOOD DONOR!"
Change them to say something like "I saved lives today, i'm a nice person TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!"
FUCK HOXWORTH!
I get to Hoxworth, fill out the questionare and go to have my stats done before getting in the chair. There is a question on the paper that asks do you have any heart or lung problems.. so I checked yes. Only because at birth and like 2 years ago I had an ekg done and it showed an abnormality. After further research into it.. it turned up to be nothing to worry about period. Just an electrical thing which means my heart transmitts messages to the valves, telling them when to pump differently than most people. I couldn't remember the name for it so I tried to explain it to the nurse. She took it to mean an irregular heart beat or something.. which it is nothing of the sort. Then the head dude came to talk to me about it and said I had to wait for their doctor in cincinnati to contact my heart doctor (which I no longer see.... as it was not a problem), or I could go get a note from my doctor, bring it back and donate that night.
So I decided to do the latter. When I came back in with the signed note allowing me to donate blood, the lady was a real bitch. She was like "you can't donate today, we told you that you have to wait for our head doctor to ok it." I responded with "Well what i'm trying to tell you is that that foreign dude and my nurse earlier said if I get a note from my doctor, bring it back and I can donate tonight." Then the dumb bitch got all in my face and said, "well i'm telling you our policies changed about three weeks ago.. our doctor has to approve it!!"
I wound up storming out the door yelling ,"well don't fucking call me with your harassing messages that i'm eligable to donate blood then! "
The whole situation just pissed me off. How the hell is their doctor going to be able to approve me to donate blood? Does she know me? Am I going to get an appointment for tests and shit with her? I highly doubt it. In all actuality, she'll be calling to talk to my doctor and ask if it's ok.. which was the whole fucking point of me going over to get the god damn note!! So I really just wasted my time and gas getting the fucking note that will in the long run do the same fucking thing their almighty doctor will do. What's more is this is like the 10th time i have donated.. never been a problem before has it? If they're going to educate a few nurses of the new policy.. educate fucking all of them!
They're a fucking donation place.. people come in there out of the good of their hearts to donate the blood of life.. to save other people's lives, getting nothing out of it in return but a bandaid. The last way someone who works at such organizations should treat the donor is how I was treated...
I guess they shouldn't give out those stickers anymore that say "be nice to me, I saved lives today.. i'm a BLOOD DONOR!"
Change them to say something like "I saved lives today, i'm a nice person TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!"
FUCK HOXWORTH!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
9 Days.. and counting!
I don't really think anyone is ever going to read this. On that note.. i'm sure i'll say a lot of shit on here that I either might not want anyone to read, could be offensive, appaling, hilarious or any combination of said emotions.
I got the idea for this from Cameron.. I just thought it would be fun and something different to do with my time.
So today was a rather strange day. I had a girls day with my mom.. something that doesn't happen all that often. We started the day with shopping, mainly for stuff I need for school. Next we headed to Donatos for lunch which was amazing.. I havn't had it in over a year. I was hoping my friend from high school, Staci was working, but as i have HORRIBLE luck she wasn't. After that we went to see 1408 at danburry cinemas since we were going to Target and Linen's and things anyway. It was pretty good, but not really what I was expecting. I did however get to silently make fun of the dumbass 14 or so year old girls sitting in front of us. She kept trying to take a picture of herself with her friend in the middle of the movie.. on her cell phone. DUAH!
We come out of the movie and decide to go to Linen's and Things next. I couldn't find the comforter I wanted so I asked this dude whom I would later realize is gay in every sense of the word.
I have nothing against gay people.. it was just funny though.. he fit every stereotype associated with them. He was rocking the rainbow belt, bracelet and cartilage piercing.. also two studs in the ears. Tight girly looking shorts and a well taken care of hair doo. You can't forget the high pitched voice and the constant "Girl! I dunno if we have it or not!" He was also sporting some chicks name tag instead of his own... It said Brittany which is clearly a girl's name. When he was finished helping us my mom looked at him and said.. "Thanks for all your help Brittany!!" Omg it was hilarious.
All in all it was an interesting day I guess... different that's for sure.
In reguards to my title.. I leave in 9 days!! not that i'm counting or anything. I absolutely can't wait to go back down to Bowling Green Ky. My home. I feel so much more at home at school than I ever have at home. People are so much more polite down there. I'm sick of the rude ass city people. I love the spread out land of the country, the grazing cows and the sweet tea. I've made some of the best friends i've ever had down there. This has been one of the longest summers of my life. But, I have gotten a lot accomplished during the long ass days.
I got my car from my cousin. A 98 saturn, it's green and has a sunroof.. only thing I really need is new speakers. I've been working almost every day between baby sitting 3 days a week and working at Kohl's as a cashier. I recorded a Cd with my music director at church, gave flute lessons and even became top credit getter at Kohl's with special recognition from the managers.. woo hoo. I've managed to keep the peace all summer long at home.. which is a major accomplishment. I swear.. it reallllly sucks to be an only child with a single mom and never having a father figure for 19 years.
She has tried to shelter me all these years and not let me find out shit for myself... she doesnt' want me to make the mistakes she made. I finally understand this.. but until I did.. it only made me rebel more.. There was no kicking out this summer and that is definatly a good thing. My mom is my best friend.. which meand a very strange mother daughter relationship.
Hell this summer I even confessed a 5 year thing i've had for someone.. I seriously doubt anything will ever happen with it but hey at least it's out there. I thought it would make me feel better but i'm really not sure it has. I guess half of me was like.. damn if someone told me it had been five years strong I would have been like hell yeah or something along those lines.. but nothing of the sort really happened and it kinda sucks. Instead I wound up getting wasted at his house.. sending a few texts I regret and making shit awkward. I guess I always thought we had something in common. I think he is incredibly sexy, not to mention he has amazing teeth. Lol sorry I have an obsession with teeth and I won't give you the time of day if you have bad ones. Maybe I should be an Orthodontist?? I dunno.. it just sucks...after 5 years I finally let it out, we hang out, I blow it (that is if i even had anything to screw up) woowwww that came out wrong.... but it's just going to amount to nothing. Yeah it's been forever.. but still.. I guess i'm just dillusional about it all.
I'm sick of being single but on the other hand i'm also sick of guys. I get treated like shit in just about every relationship.. i've even had a few one night stands.. I just always get fucked over. While i'm sick of it.. i'm sick of being single.. yeah a one time thing can be fun I just like the feeling that someone's there for YOU... and the security.. something I havn't had too much of in my life. There's a lot behind my outgoing personality, bright smile and laugh... I only let a select few know about it.. I always choose the wrong ones to tell though.
anyway.. I just thought it would be a good thing to let it out there after all the years and it did feel a little better once I did. Thank god for Fb Honesty Box :)
Oh well 9 days until I can down an entire 5th by myself.. forget about it.. get insane.. drunk dial (which reminds me.. i better delete said person's number so I don't embarrass myself even more) smoke cigs to my hearts content.. take pictures and just enjoy it all.
WKU get ready..
I got the idea for this from Cameron.. I just thought it would be fun and something different to do with my time.
So today was a rather strange day. I had a girls day with my mom.. something that doesn't happen all that often. We started the day with shopping, mainly for stuff I need for school. Next we headed to Donatos for lunch which was amazing.. I havn't had it in over a year. I was hoping my friend from high school, Staci was working, but as i have HORRIBLE luck she wasn't. After that we went to see 1408 at danburry cinemas since we were going to Target and Linen's and things anyway. It was pretty good, but not really what I was expecting. I did however get to silently make fun of the dumbass 14 or so year old girls sitting in front of us. She kept trying to take a picture of herself with her friend in the middle of the movie.. on her cell phone. DUAH!
We come out of the movie and decide to go to Linen's and Things next. I couldn't find the comforter I wanted so I asked this dude whom I would later realize is gay in every sense of the word.
I have nothing against gay people.. it was just funny though.. he fit every stereotype associated with them. He was rocking the rainbow belt, bracelet and cartilage piercing.. also two studs in the ears. Tight girly looking shorts and a well taken care of hair doo. You can't forget the high pitched voice and the constant "Girl! I dunno if we have it or not!" He was also sporting some chicks name tag instead of his own... It said Brittany which is clearly a girl's name. When he was finished helping us my mom looked at him and said.. "Thanks for all your help Brittany!!" Omg it was hilarious.
All in all it was an interesting day I guess... different that's for sure.
In reguards to my title.. I leave in 9 days!! not that i'm counting or anything. I absolutely can't wait to go back down to Bowling Green Ky. My home. I feel so much more at home at school than I ever have at home. People are so much more polite down there. I'm sick of the rude ass city people. I love the spread out land of the country, the grazing cows and the sweet tea. I've made some of the best friends i've ever had down there. This has been one of the longest summers of my life. But, I have gotten a lot accomplished during the long ass days.
I got my car from my cousin. A 98 saturn, it's green and has a sunroof.. only thing I really need is new speakers. I've been working almost every day between baby sitting 3 days a week and working at Kohl's as a cashier. I recorded a Cd with my music director at church, gave flute lessons and even became top credit getter at Kohl's with special recognition from the managers.. woo hoo. I've managed to keep the peace all summer long at home.. which is a major accomplishment. I swear.. it reallllly sucks to be an only child with a single mom and never having a father figure for 19 years.
She has tried to shelter me all these years and not let me find out shit for myself... she doesnt' want me to make the mistakes she made. I finally understand this.. but until I did.. it only made me rebel more.. There was no kicking out this summer and that is definatly a good thing. My mom is my best friend.. which meand a very strange mother daughter relationship.
Hell this summer I even confessed a 5 year thing i've had for someone.. I seriously doubt anything will ever happen with it but hey at least it's out there. I thought it would make me feel better but i'm really not sure it has. I guess half of me was like.. damn if someone told me it had been five years strong I would have been like hell yeah or something along those lines.. but nothing of the sort really happened and it kinda sucks. Instead I wound up getting wasted at his house.. sending a few texts I regret and making shit awkward. I guess I always thought we had something in common. I think he is incredibly sexy, not to mention he has amazing teeth. Lol sorry I have an obsession with teeth and I won't give you the time of day if you have bad ones. Maybe I should be an Orthodontist?? I dunno.. it just sucks...after 5 years I finally let it out, we hang out, I blow it (that is if i even had anything to screw up) woowwww that came out wrong.... but it's just going to amount to nothing. Yeah it's been forever.. but still.. I guess i'm just dillusional about it all.
I'm sick of being single but on the other hand i'm also sick of guys. I get treated like shit in just about every relationship.. i've even had a few one night stands.. I just always get fucked over. While i'm sick of it.. i'm sick of being single.. yeah a one time thing can be fun I just like the feeling that someone's there for YOU... and the security.. something I havn't had too much of in my life. There's a lot behind my outgoing personality, bright smile and laugh... I only let a select few know about it.. I always choose the wrong ones to tell though.
anyway.. I just thought it would be a good thing to let it out there after all the years and it did feel a little better once I did. Thank god for Fb Honesty Box :)
Oh well 9 days until I can down an entire 5th by myself.. forget about it.. get insane.. drunk dial (which reminds me.. i better delete said person's number so I don't embarrass myself even more) smoke cigs to my hearts content.. take pictures and just enjoy it all.
WKU get ready..
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