Time of year or Month?

I've noticed that i've been really down lately and I don't know why. Nothing bad has happened it's just been the same old shit every day.. so it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. WHY have I been feeling so depressed/sad all the time? My grades are getting better, 2 weeks left until christmas break, i'm not broke i really just don't have a reason to feel like this. It's very discouraging.

I have smoked like every day straight this week.. but that usually doesn't affect me like that. So I really don't know..
Ok nothing else to say.

Later!

is it wrong?

Is it entirely wrong of me to get mad/upset when someone does something that really hurts my feelings. What if the person doesn't know my story or why doing a certain thing would upset me.... is it still wrong of me to get upset?

I'm sorry

I fail to update this thing like I should. I just havn't had much time and a lot has been going on lately. Oh well.
1. I almost got arrested.
2. I bust my ass at least 10 times.
3. Mom is pissed at me
4. Add Minor
5. Waverly Hills
6. Driving in wind
7. Trish and Allyn
8. Math
9. Fred Flinstone
10. Fire in TCCW
11. Seth to WKU

If you can't tell from the list, I have a lot to blog about...

Continuing from the last post I made about me contacting Baja's girlfriend/babymamma...
Trish and I went through the drive thru where he works.. which was actually a lot of fun.. I'm insane and there was this truck in front of us.. with a big ass dog in the bed. I rolled down my window and started barking/howling loudly to see what the dog would do... basically it just looked at me like i'm a dumbass. When I eventually got up to the window, the girl working it said the dude driving the truck asked her if there was a dog in the car behind him. haha. Then I talked to her about Baja and how he's an ass... which gave me a "great" idea. Trish and I left BK and went to buy a window marker, which I proceeded to write all over Baja's windows. Stuff like " honk if you hate cheaters" " Fuck you" "Payback sucks huh?" " I get head from girls who aren't my gf!" etc. Well about an hour after we did it, I get a call. From the BGPD saying I need to call them back.
Basically I just got yelled at for doing it, and told to stay away from Baja. Whatever. Then I called Baja and yelled at him for not having the balls to deal with shit for himself.. omg it was a fucking window marker etc.
The next day he had the neve to call me and ask me to come meet him to just talk all this over. I'm a dumbass and I said yeah ok whatever and drove to the said location. He looked like shit. I don't know how else to describe it. He apologized for hurting me repeatedly and kept asking if we could just be friends. I never gave him a real response to anything, just lectured him. Then he brings me a teddy bear that he bought for me because "of how sorry he is and how bad he feels about it all" wtf so now I have a teddy bear in my room from Baja, that's cool... I don't know what the hell to do/think about any of this.

2. This week it has been raining a lot.. well the first day of the rain I definatly wore flip flops around all day.. when it rains down here, every building has a rug right inside the doors.. which eventually ends and it's just tile floor... flip flops are slick... I busted my ass in front of a lot of people at least 10 times all day. It was real embarrassing, and I have a nasty bruise on my knee.

3. For some reason my mom is pissed at me.. I think because lately whenever she calls me i'm busy with school shit or taking a nap or something.. so she thinks i'm ignoring her and that i don't have time to talk to my own mom... she doesnt' understand how busy i am right now. Like the semester is almost over, i'm failing my math 116 class because I don't understand any of it and my teacher BLOWS. But i took a retest today and hopefully I did well on it.

4. I am now a Meteorology major with a Minor in Broadcasting.

5. Waverly Hills Sanatorium, Louisville Ky. I had a tour with Brandon, Hershel, Matt Bell, Matt Meredith and Aaron on sunday. It was fucking AWESOME! we went down the death tunnel, toured the whole building, took pictures, saw shadow people, heard footsteps going down the hall when no one was visibly there and yeah it was pretty sweet! i have pictures on facebook if you want to see them.

6. Don't drive when you have really strong wind. It's scary and not easy to do. I drove to Brandon's house last night and I really thought I was going to die.. at first I thought something was wrong with my car, so I pulled over and got out to look at it, when I got out of the car I almost got blown over... it was intense... and I don't reccommend driving in wind like that... I almost didn't drive back last night, I was going to crash at brandon's.

7. In my Meteorology 121 class, there is this annoying ass dude. His name is Allyn, he "has an iq of 155" and always has something to say about everything. Maybe a personal experience, scientific explanation or whatever to make him seem even more egotistical. Ew I can't stand him.... most people can't. Anyway, Trish went to the Meteorology club meeting with me last thursday, when we were there.. who comes in.. yeahhhh Allyn. Well, Trish thought he was "so cute!" and eventually found him on myspace, they started talking, hung out once (yes.. once) and now they're dating. I'm not hanging out with her if she's going to be with him. Oh my godddd. I can't. That's all there is to it... I just can't.

8. Work party on Halloween, Fred Flinstone returns. Dk what i'm talking about... look at my fb albums.. the Fred Flinstone one. yeah, I know that's what I was last year, but hell.. new people... fucking awesome costume.. why not?

9. My math class got out early today because the fire alarms went off. i got out of a quiz.. HELL YEAH!!! Found out later that there really was a fire on the 2nd floor. crazy.

10. I get to drive Big Red around campus tomorrow. My friend Nathan is Big Red. There is a soccer game tomorrow night, starting at 6. At 6:30 I get to drive Nathan in the Big Red suit from the soccer complex to the arena... he won't have time to change, and i'm not complaining.
Seth is coming down this weekend.. so that's gonna be an experience...
after that we're going to go get dinner, go to Brandon's house, go to Joppa (the haunted church), go to the haunted bridge, then get drunk. Saturday is tailgating and the game.. yeah it's gonna be pretty fun. I dk if I have to work on sunday or not.. hopefully not because if I do i'll be hung overrrrrrr.



yeahhhh

don't let BITCHES bring you down!!!!

so I was browsing myspace the other day and I go to Baja's friends page and I find this girl... her main picture was of her and baja and her page was practically dedicated to him.
I added her so I could see the rest of her page. It said they're together and all this other bullshit. I called Baja, bitched him out... emailed the girl and told her how he's been cheating on her and that i'm sorry.. if I had known about her I would have never done anything that I did bc i'm not like that...
she didn't email back and I don't think she believes me because she changed her headline to "don't let bitches bring you down" but whatever. it's her choice to be with an asshole.

I don't care.

That's all... no one reads this anyways.

Life's funny

I love life. I really do. It's so funny how a horrible day can somehow turn out alright in the end.. in that minute right before you go to bed to hopefully wake up to a better, new day.

Yesterday I went to Huso's apartment again, but I made sara and her boyfriend Won go with me.. I figured it would be a little more fun. When we got there, Huso asked me if I would go pick up his room mate James.. first I said no because I don't want to be around him.. but me being the nice person that I am.. and not wanting to leave him stranded, i picked him up, but I made sara ride with me, not to mention it was in the ghetto. Oh but it wasn't just him, it was 3 black dudes getting into the back of my saturn.. yeahhhhh I wanted to shoot them all in the face during the drive back to Huso's because well... we had to listen to fucking some hardcore rap ( i like rap but I like to hear it, not hear them screaming the words) godddddd. When i got back to Huso's the one black dude bloc was talking to me and started shit about slavery not being over because people wear white to weddings and black to funerals or something along those lines... then he asked me to wear my sunglasses... they're white... so I told him no. haha. yeah.

I don't have a problem with black people at all...well for the most part... being in close corners with them makes me want to scream... maybe because they always are?

After a while, Huso and the black dudes leave to go get some ganj.. but after like 20 minutes, Huso comes in and said we should leave because someone just yelled outside about cops and asked me to drop him off at his friends house on my way back to campus. What the fuck ever... I definatly threw in on some green but I never got to smoke at all yesterday, all I did was play taxi cab. AAAAHHHH! I was sooo pissed off.

Anyway, after we dropped Huso off Sara, her bf and me went to the burger king that Baja works at. We met one of sara and Won's friends who happens to know Baja in the parking lot. Well, instead of hanging out with me, and taking a break or whatever, Baja went outside and talked to Demir the whole time. Which pissed me off... so i went outside to ask Baja what was going on when he got off work and he just said " i'm talking to my friend right now."
So I left him a vmail and told him he better call me back... that is if he wasn't talking to anymore of his friends.. .well he called and made me feel better...
so basically disreguard that poem i posted last night.

Other than that I think i'm still going to that party on sunday with baja.. he told me last night that he thinks it's still going on... so I dunno.. I hope it does.


Volim Te - I love you
Haj Kako Si - Hi, how are you?
Lesh Duba - lick my ass.

just a few things I learned in Bosnian.
the last one was a mean ass joke they played on me. go figure.

Worthwhile Man

When everything is up in smoke
and there's nothing left for me to do,
the only thing I want is to be with you.
I just need to know, is this real or just a joke?
In my thoughts you're all I ever see,
your arms around me, just hold me tight.
You make it all feel alright.
I need to know, do you really like me?

For the first time I had a view
of what I thought this was all about.
Now, my mind is filled with doubt
I really thought I knew.
I've done all I can
I'm not letting anyone else in this far
In my galaxy you were the brightest star.
I thought you were a worthwhile man.

Where are the Cameras??!!

All that's missing in my life are the rolling cameras. I swear, my life should be a tv show.
I love life and all that comes with it.. hell if shit didn't happen once in a while we'd all be pretty damn bored.
So when I got back from fall break, Baja called me and said he didn't think he'd be able to make the movie we had planned on seeing that night, because he had to go pick up his sister in louisville and bring her to bg because today is her bday... whatever.. so I said, well call me when you get back to bg and we can do something else or whatever...
After I hung up from him Huso called me and he wanted to know if I wanted to come over to his apartment and smoke with him and his room mate.. so I was like.. whatever, I guess, but you have to pick me up.. so he did. Somehow or another I wound up on the couch inbetween both him and his room mate is black (i'm not exactly down with the brown) anyway, we're watching tv and both of the guys said they were cold... so i'm under this fucking huge blanket inbetween both of them... and the black dude starts feeling up on my leg and shit... so I kept inching closer to huso... idk if he was doing it on purpose or not.. but he started doing it too! I was really uncomfortable.. because the black dude would not get the hell off of me..... so I was like.. umm I have to go to the bathroom... and I got up and did not sit back down between them... huso later left to go to the store or something idk... so after like five more awkward minutes with his room mate I called him and made him pick me up I told him what was going on too.

Yesterday, Baja called me and came over when I got out of class, he's muslim and doing ramadan right now.. so we couldn't make out or anything like we normally would.. but in a way it was kinda cool. Then I went with him to get his sister's birthday present.... yeah I helped him pay for it because he didn't have enough cash on him... he got her a really cute scrubs set.. for nursing.. she's 14 and wants to be a nurse.. i really don't understand it but whatever. He told me he was going to tell her all about me and that it's from both of us... today he told me she really wants to meet me.. and he invited me to the celebration they have at the end of ramadan, which is this weekend, either saturday or sunday... a lot of his family is going to be there and it will be all bosnian music and food /games whatever... yeahhhhh it's going to be a little awkward, but i'm excited.

Meanwhile, Huso keeps calling me every day asking me to come hang out or whatever.. i don't know what to think of it all.. I really really like baja and want to be with him, and from what I can tell, the feeling is quite mutual.. we're just taking it slow.. not rushing into it... so should I feel bad for hanging out with huso???? ahhhh my life is a joke!!


yeah, today I got some paper from one of the hall directors requesting to meet with me concerning my academics... I don't understand why the fuck my hall director would care... but I'm not doing that bad in my classes, i'm getting tutored in my math class, my music class I have an a in, meteorology is prolly around a c I think because of the last test I took. but the whole class did bad. soo I don't feel that bad about it... other than that my geography class is probably around a c too... whatever.. this is all bullshit.

Huso called me today and wanted me to come over, but he's not home right now, I have a meeting at six and need to get started on some of my homework... actually come to think of it I really don't have that much... and the only thing I do have is not due until thursday. so I'm not going to do it until tomorrow after my classes.

that's it.

Fall Break

I got home for fall break on Wednesday night. It was good to be home, that's for sure. Wednesday night I worked the front door at the volleyball games at St. Agnes and got paid to basically do nothing, it was nice. After that my mom and I took my car to our mechanic to get an oil change and figure out why the windows get stuck sometimes, what the rotting smell is when I turn on the heater and fix that annoying rattle. Then we went to good ole frisch's with two of my cousins that were also at the volleyball thing. Which was pretty fun I guess. Thursday I didn't really do much, other than go shopping and guitily enjoy my mom spending money on me. That night I got to see my little cousin.. and we went through the drive through car wash with him in the car.. it was pretty funny, he didn't know what to think about it. This was also the time when I accidentally said "fucking moron" in front of him, and now he goes around saying it... yeahhh he's 2 1/2 his mom blamed me .. go figure.
Friday, my mom and I baby sat my little cousin all day, and took my car to smith muffler where I spent another 400 dollars on my car.. to total it all out to about 500. Oh well, everything is perfect now and I love my car =)

Friday I wanted to go to haunted houses, but I got dogged by one person ( i know, i know, prior engagements but I was still uber bummed) and no one else wanted to go to any. Saturday I went to the band competition.. which was a parade of old memories and of me wanting to be on the field with my old band sooooo bad, I can't really put it all into words. I was hoping I'd see cameron there or maybe a few other people I knew, but I really didn't see anyone. My mom's not supposed to be in the sun because of her 80000 medicines she's on so we only stayed for bw and wt then left around 2. It was still fun though, blast from the past that's for sure.

Sunday I played mass at the sac then in the afternoon i came back to bowling green. It was good to come home for a while, but there's no question I never want to permanently live there again. Yes all of my family is there, but I'm only close to about 10 of them (one family) so I'm not missing much. I'm never living there again.
Oh well... the drama post will follow.

What a weekend.

I rarely have time to update this... either that, or I just don't feel like it.. which is why 9 times out of ten I do a massive post about a few days at a time.
Anyway, so My friend from last year that didn't come back to WKU came into town from friday- sunday and here's how the weekend went down.

Fiday:
Katelyn called me that afternoon and said she would be in about 7 and that she would call me when she gets close and we were going to meet at Adriane's work (firehouse pizza) and hang out till she got off work. So I said alright and went into my room to take a nap until the time came.
When I met Katelyn at Firehouse, I found out that she started smoking, which is hilarious because I never thought i'd see the day. She was always the one that gave me shit for smoking myself last year.. and now she turns around she smokes herself... menthol's at that. It's great. Anyway, I walked with her to the gas station down the street so she could buy a pack of camel frosts which are nasty. We walked back to Firehouse and Adriane gave us pizza and a drink, so we ate it. Then Katelyn and I went outside to smoke some cigs and reminese.. which was fun. In the meantime Adriane's boyfriend miles comes in to get pizza, well Adriane has always been pretty sketchy about letting anyone meet him etc... I don't understand that because hell they're dating, what the hell is the big deal? So she comes out of the store behind him to follow him to his car with the massive amount of food he bought. She gets halfway accross the parking lot without introducing us, so I started coughing really loud. She turns around, flicks us off and yells, oh yeah miles that's katelyn and emily.. i yelled back, yeah it's nice to meet you, considering Adriane's always so sketchy about anyone ever meeting you!!!

When she came back up to the door she was like "that was so uncalled for" I replied with "um actually no it wasn't." and she stormed in through the doors. Fuck her.
About 1o minutes later she got off work, so her and Katelyn went back to Adriane's apartment and I went to the dorm to sleep. However, I didn't get much of it because I was up all night arguing with Adriane on the phone about her using me... the argument follows :

Adriane - why the hell did you have to say that and start drama?
me- It's really sketchy that you don't want anyone to meet him. I'm not trying to cause drama obviously you do care who meets him.
Adriane - I don't care who meets him, I was going to introduce you all.. I did right after I got out the door.
me - yeah, after I started hacking up a lung.. and you were halfway accross the parking lot.. do you have short term memory loss?
Adriane - what the fuck.. why do you even care?
me - Whatever , I really don't care now that I think abou tit... I'd rather not know the dude you're currently having unprotected sex with... I don't wanna know the father of your unborn children.
Adriane - what the fuck? i never told you I don't use them. and why the fuck is it your buisness anyway?
me - You have said, you have always said you told me you don't with anyone and not with him either.. i asked you jokingly a long time ago.
me - I don't even know why we're friends.
Adriane - Why would it be any of your buisness if i use a condom or not.. why would you care?
me - gee i don't know, having a little adriane junior running around?
adriane - yeah, me either, aparently we still have some issues that we didnt' work out over the summer. .. maybe when you grow up we can be friends again.
me - it's called being a friend - most people would get that. and I have changed, i'm not the same person i was last year, you're the one that hasn't.
Adriane - what?
me - i answered your fucking question, maybve if you cared about other peopel for once people could stand you!
Adriane - how is that being a friend
me - beign concerned abou tyou getting diseases and having kids now.
me - i tried to give you a second chance over the summer but you constantly use me and ditch me. i'm sick of it.
Adriane - you're the one that whores around.
me - whored... and it wasn't that bad either. it was maybe like 3 times and thanks but i use protection and birth control and lets see you use neither and have never taken the mornign after pill or anything.. that's why you think you're pregnant every month.
me - don't text me don't call em don't ever try to contact me again i'm through with people like you.
me - i hope you get aids and have fucked up kids live in a white trash house with another piece of shit car and wreck that one too.
me - good luck in life, i 'm real sure you'll do great things.
me - you and your it's all about me attitude and bad friend keeping skills will take you far.
me - fuck. you. have a great life.

yeah so i'm not friends with that bitch face, slut whore disease carrying waste of life anymore.
and i'm pretty fucking happy about it!

Saturday :
I had to get up at 5: 30 am and be at work at 6:45 at Kohl's it sucked ass. I checked out maybe 2 customers in the first hour and half i was there. The manager that was there is a total bitch too.. so it made my day fucking awesome.
after work I met Katelyn at red zone for dinner and then took another nap.. which was awesome. Then she came over that night and we got shit faced drunk.. I drunk dialed my cousin, cameron, nathan and a few other people, I could not even tell you what the hell happened that night, i didn't even know I drunk dialed until i woke up on the floor in my room and peopel started calling me back. There were singles all over my floor, shit spilled, my guitar hero was running all night, my rug was halfway out the winow.. then i went into the bathroom, puked and saw the fucking skull thing my ra had on counter with various other decorations was in the fucking toilet and there was definatly piss and tp in there with it. ewww. then a fucking fish swiming around in the other toilet i'm pretty sure both of those were from me and katelyn. oh my god. yeah if that's any indication of how drunk I was then I don't know what else is.

Sunday : I pretty much slept all day.

Yeah, eventful weekend.

fun times.

Cameron, for some reason you're on my drunk dial list every time I get shitty. lol.. sooo if it botheres you tell me when i'm sober and somehow i'll try to remember not to do it anymore.

FUCK THIS DAY!

God.. I must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed or something. Everything has gone wrong today. I've been sick for a few days, but when I got up this morning I could not breathe like at all... so i took both of my inhalers and some vicks 44 before I left for class. On the way up the hill I fucking passed out.. no joke.. blacked out and everything. It was quite embarrassing to tell ya the truth. So I was late getting to class. The vicks stuff is supposed to be non drowsy but it was all I could do to keep my eyes open in math today. After class I called my doctor from hom eand asked him a few questions. I don't have health insurance right now and I really didn't wanna have a big ass bill from going to the doctor... but he told me I really needed to be seen.. so I went to my room to freshen up or whatever.. one of my fish is dead.. try to get on my internet.. and a system message comes up and says my internet has been temp. disabled because I violated something or another... it's most likely limewire.. we're technically not allowed to use limewire when we're using school's internet.. which is stupid.

So I went to the health center on campus... I drove there... I didn't want to walk because I really feel like shit...
they gave me a breathing treatment.. and now i'm coughing shit up like every five minutes.. it's nasty.. I have to get a bunch of medicine/steroids. I looked on the internet in the computer lab to see if the bank would still be open so I could get money to get my meds. It said online that it would be if I went through the drive through. I get to the drive through at 5:10... internet said it closed at 5:30 but the girl at the window told me they were closed... so I said rudely.. " well then you all need to change your shit on the internet... aparently you're not following company policy because it's the main fucking bank's website."

and I drove off.. so i have no meds.

So I called my friend adriane to see if she wanted to get dinner with me... she said no.
Which pisses me off because she's got an apartment with my supposed best friend/other half... they're now up each other's asses and yet never have time for me... i guess you'd have to be in the situation to understand how I really feel about it.. I just feel betrayed I guess... that's the only word I can think of.

Then there's this dude that really likes me... i know i've led him on.. we've messed around etc... and he introduces me to his friends as his girl... i have a feeling that the next time i see him he's going to ask me out... and I really don't find him very attractive... he's a nice guy... I don't know how to tell him no and not be a bitch about it... if that's even possible... someone give me a suggestion please!!!!!!

someone told me to tell him i don't want a relationship right now.. but that'd be lying... I do... I can live without one.. but it'd be nice to not be single... I just don't wanna date him. HELP!

Then my phone rings and it's from a number idk.. so I answered it.. and it's the dude that for about a year.. and finally left me alone at the end of this summer... after he professed his undying LOVE for me!! AAAHHHH! It was very awkwad.. but he wanted to tell me he got a cell phone... and aparently he has text now too because he's been texting me all fucking afternoon... OH MY GOD!



so pretty much this is the day from hell.

Thanks God, you're fucking hilarious!

Hello Beautiful Day

Today is a relatively good day.... so far anyway.
I broke up with Billy the other day. I can't deal with it. End of story. I woke my ass up on time this morning and actually went to my geography class and found out that I didn't really miss anything :) Then in my Math class I wasn't late for once, have some easy ass homework. Next I hit up my music appreciation class which is a joke anyway. Even more hilarious is that for some reason we were talking about queen bees... and some girl goes off on a dude that made a supposedly anti-femminist comment and she screams

"FOR YOUR INFORMATION, ALL QUEEN BEES ARE FEMALE! AND IF I HEAR YOU MAKE ONE MORE ANTI FEMMINIST COMMENT I'M GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND SMACK YOU!!"

lmao. everyone got quiet then busted out laughing.. it was hilarious. oh my god.. after class she went up to him and started yelling at him. It was AWESOME! I love watching other peoples drama.. or watching fights it's great.

Then I go get lunch with my friend Nathan at Subway and we went to do our meteorology lab. I did a lot better on this one then on the last one... so it made me feel better about myself :) which is always a good thing.

Also, I'm talking to a new guy, he seems really sweet.. funny story on how I met him though.
My best friend brandon works at minit mart on the edge of town, graveyard shift on weekends... so I went to visit him sunday night. I'm sitting outside smoking and this guy pulls up in a badass car.. with black rims with silver lining.. so I complimented him on his car. He asked for my number so I gave it to him.
Well he called me, and I hung out with him on monday night. He said he noticed me when he got there and was going to say something at first but is shy so he decided not to.. and then go figure.. i said something to him...
I just thought that was kinda funny.
Anyway... life's pretty good right now.. other than the fact that my fish died after like 2 days. i'm pissed.

oh well it was only 29 cents. I think i'm going to go buy like 5 fish and keep them all in the tank.. it'll look a lot more sweet with 5 than 2 I think.. oh well.. walmart.. here we come again!

Study Abroad

Yes! I'm going abroad this summer!!!! May 15th - June 7th ishhh.. I might be a little wrong with those dates. But I get to go to Western Turkey (Istanbul and Izmir), several Greek Islands (Naxos, Santorini), Athens, northern Italy (Venice and Verona), and Slovenia (Ljubljana and Bled).

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!

Ft. Campbell

This week consisted mainly of me trying to get someone to drive and hour and a half to Fort Campbell Kentucky to visit Pvt. 1st class Benson. Aka Billy.
Well, on Wednesday i actually found someone willing to drive down with me. Renee and Trish said they would go. So Wednesday evening we got in my car and drove down. We get to the base and I tried to get a pass to get in. The guard said he needed our drivers liscenses, insurance and registration on my car. I don't have my registration on my car like actually with me for some reason and they wouldn't let me in. I serioulsy felt retarded. and the guard was actually laughing at me. Awesome. Thank God Trish's friend, whom we were also going to meet up with, had a car. He met us in a parking lot near base, we pile in his car and he gets us on base.
When we finally find Billy's barracs we go back to my car and Billy and I get into mine and we just drove around and talked. For once in my life of dating, he did not just want to get in my pants so to speak. He actually listened to me when i was talking, he wanted to know about me.. blah blah blah.. We eventually held hands and made out. One thing led to another and we're dating now.. but NO all I did was make out with him. I'm not a whore.
He promised me he will take me to do all the things i've never done like four wheeling, mudding, riding a horse, milking a cow, hunting, fishing etc. He said he is going to take me to do all these things, which is awesome. But I've gotta wait 15 months to two years to get to do them.

Why? Because he's going to Iraq in the middle of October and will be over there for up to two years. Which blows. Am I stupid for agreeing to date him? I'm willing to wait, I don't cheat on the people I date, because it's happened to me before, it's not right. I like him alot, he treats me right and is a sweetheart. I just don't know. In a way my life won't be as stressful.. I don't have to care about guys now.. not that I have lately anyway... and I can just focus on school work... but on the other hand.. it could be a lot more stressful.. I don't know anyone that's over seas anymore... and now I will.. and it'll be worse because it'll be my boyfriend. I just don't know.. do ya'll think i'm stupid? Is this a bad decision?

The past week... and a little more.

So the week started out with me realizing that a lot of my friends aren't what they seem. And that i'm way too forgiving . So, I asked two of my friends if they wanted to go to red zone with me, they agreed and we set a time. Well, the time came and went.. and there I sat like a douche bag out in the valley waiting for them. I called and they didn't answer... called again and they finally pick up. They tell me that they already ate... in the dorm. What the hell?? Thanks for ditching me assholes... now I had to go up to duc by myself.. which isn't that big of a deal.. I have always done shit on my own.. but at dinner everyone goes with other people.. friends... somehow a lot of mine are non existant right now.
It really pisses me off when people back out or ditch me for no real reason. If they knew they already had plans.. then why would you fucking schedule to do something with me?? Leaving me, once again.. out in the cold.

Then the next day.. same thing happens with another friend. Every tuesday and thursday me, brandon and adriane (sometimes adriane's friend robin) go eat when they get out of class around six. Well, earlier that day I asked brandon if he wanted to go over to bret's apartment after dinner and he was like yeah sure... so after we eat dinner, (during which brandon and I were talking about going to brets again) we all walk to adriane's car. She was going to drop brandon and I off across campus at brandon's car. So we get to his car.. he gets out and i follow him so Adriane pulls away... I go to get in his car and he was like what the fuck are you doing? I was like ... uhhh we're fucking going to brets asshole! he was like.. oh umm i have plans with my other dudes from edmonson county, they're waiting for me at minit mart.. bye. and fucking pulls away.
I thought he was just pulling a funny and would be back in a minute.. so I stand there waiting.. looking like a dumbass to all the people walking in the parking lot...
He doesn't come back after like 10 minutes so I called him, he said he was at minit mart already and that I better start walking because i'll be standing there a long ass time if I don't.
So I fucking had to walk like 2 miles back to my fucking dorm... god damn it I was so pissed.. so in the meantime bret calls and i told him what jackass did.. and I wind up driving to brets anyway.
EWWWWWW why the fuck do people like to treat me like complete shit!? The only thing that really happened on wednesday was that fucking Baya gave his friend my number.. Which pisses me off. This dude claims he's from America and can speak some bosnian.. what the hell.. that's why when he called me at 5 am he had the same fucking accent that Baya, Ziky and Bekto have? Anyway.. I was a bitch to him on text and the phone but he persisted so i decided to give him a chance... whatever.. he text me first thing in the morning too..and all fucking day. so i was like fine ... it's thirsty thursday i'll fucking drink with you whatever, but i'm bringing a friend..
So I made my friend Trish go with me to meet him and his friend at Zaxby's parking lot. We pull up and the dude walks over to my side of my car and was like ummm if you wanna drink that's cool.. i can take your car back to campus.. but my friend has to go home in like a half hour and my brother has my car so I dunno what we're going to do...
So I decide we can just all go back to my dorm or something.. so they follow me to to the dorm.. and then sean( the dude) calls me and says that he has to go to his house really fast to take his brother something and he'll call me when he gets back.. blah blah blah... Trish and I proceed into her dorm instead of mine and go to Renee's room and I got shit faced in about 15 minutes... called Baya and CUSSED him out on the phone for giving out my number.. but he said he didn't give it to him.. that Sean took his phone and got my number out of it... FUCKING HILARIOUS SHIT because Baya's in fucking louisville.. and sean is in bowling green!!!! ewwwww. So I was like FUCK YOU AND ALL YOUR FUCKING BOSNIAN FAMILY AND FRIENDS.. GO BACK TO BOSNIA.. YOU DON'T BELONG HERE ANYWAY! and hung up on him. Then I drink a lot more and go outside with trish and renee to smoke... the rest of the night is a blur.. aparently I told one of the desk workers that came out to smoke at our picnic table that I was wasted off my ass.. called cameron a couple times.. no clue what i said in the voice mails I left him and eventually woke up in my own room the next morning...


Also, in my meteorology class, our tables are set up like semi circles.. two of them.. an inner one and an outer one.. I sit at the outer one.. the chairs are also really nice and on wheels... anyway this dude that sits like 3 sets down from me was eating skittles.. all of a sudden boom.. his table shot foreward like 3 feet and his chair tipped over backwards, skittles went everywhere.. perfect timing.. some dude was like.. "taste the rainbow!" and the teacher says.. " well if you wanted to share the skittles with the class, you coulda passed them out before class!" lmao it was hilarious!!

Goddd today I was like 2 seconds from passing out on the way to class, felt horrible, and I about puked when I got there. goooood times.
I skipped my first class, but made it to all the other ones.
Music appreciation is an absolute JOKE!

anywayyy that is all.
my life is a joke.
someone's watching and laughing their fucking asssssss off. not funny jackass!

I give up on guys, I honestly used to care.. now fuck them.. other than the ones i'm actually friends with.. all the other ones can fucking rot in hell.. i don't care.. i don't want kids.

also, who reads this shit? let me know.

Are you afraid of the dark?

So, there's this bridge. A bridge that in the early 19oo's, while walking home a girl in her late teens was raped by two drunk guys, thrown over the side of and drowned under. Ledgend has it that when you drive over this bridge at night (it doesn't work in daylight, I know, i've tried) stop in the middle of it turn your car off and put it in neutral, she will push you accross. It works, i've done it a million times. You're also supposed to put flour on your bumpers and there will be wet hand prints all over in the flower from where she pushed you. I told my room mate about the bridge, and we went. We stopped at Kroger to get the flour and I poured a shit ton of it all over my car. We went to the bridge and it worked yet again. Erica (my roomie) was practically crying (she's afraid of the dark and anything associated with it) and I shit you not there were hand prints.
It was awesome!! It's so much more fun if you go with someone that's never been before.. so if anyone wants to come to Bowling Green, i'll take you to the bridge :)
I decided not to go through the car wash for a few days afterwards... bad idea.. the flour got wet from the little rain we had.. and then baked on by the sun. So when I went home for the fireworks yesterday my mom was like "what the hell is on your car?" So It took me like an hour to wash it all off... btw.. it wouldn't all come off....

having babies should be illegal!

Why... why why why why does everything like to tease me ... it all seems good and that it's going my way for once... and then all of a sudden boom! it all fucking blows up in my face.

So the day I moved in I was hanging out with my ex's brother .. when he leaves my phone rings with a number I don't know.. turns out he gave one of his friends my number because he's looking for a girl and he told him I'm cool or something... so I met the guy later that night and we hit it off right away. We went to the haunted bridge and everything was going awesome.. like beyond belief.. amazing.
So we decided to do something again the next day.. he came up to my dorm room and we hung out for a while.. it's taken me sooo long to find someone like him.. and I was literally in a constant euphoria.. when I blew out my tire yesterday, he was the one that put the spare on for me... I never thought I would find someone like him.. I really started to think I would never find anyone.. and then here he came.

We hung out again today before he went to work today too. But, when I got back to my room my phone rang and it was him. He told me that his ex girlfriend who he hasn't seen since april called him and said that she is pregnant with his child. Also, that if he doesn't support her and be with her that he'll have to pay child support...
He repeatedly apologized to me, and told me that everything will be ok.. that he cares for me alot and would never want to hurt me etc etc.. which didn't exactly make things better for me emotionally... I know It might sound retarded.. but it was like false hope.. It really hurts to think of what could have been. I know I don't know him all that well.. but it really feels like I have.. he treated me right for once I had a guy that wasn't a jackass and it was one of the best feelings ever.
He actually called, cared about how i was feeling, wanted to see me, to talk to me, to hold me etc.
and now it's all been ripped away from me.

Then he said we'll work something out.. he still wants me in his life, he doesn't want to let me go. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I knew it was too good to be true.... good stuff just isn't meant for me... don't contradict that statement fellow bloggers.. because the facts are right there.. nothing ever goes right for me. EVER.



To make matters even better.. he calls me and says he's going to louisville for the whole week next week and won't be back till saturday.. and he might be moving there after that to live with his sister...which means we can't talk hardly at all because he doesn't have money for long distance or the internet. FUCKING AWESOME!

God... I 've realized that my life is a constant spiral... I get a few days of false happiness maybe even euphoria.. and then it crashes down around me... one thing after another... I LOVE IT!

I give up. I give up on guys, ever being happy and it lasting, and on people in general. Life is all about working, working to buy shit that after like a week gets old.. so you have to buy more new things which in turn do the same thing.. you can't buy happiness... which really really sucks for people like me.. People that never have anything go their way.

I just don't understand why so so so many other people out there have it so much better... or how they cover so well?

if anyone knows any of these answeres or has any comments... humor me... I beg you.

all curbs should be rounded!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate the parking structure at WKU and I hate the gay ass curbs inside it.

I now have 3 tires on my car instead of 4. As I pulled into the parking garage I fucking decide to say hello to the stupid ass curb that makes you turn your wheels all retarded just to turn a corner.. it wouldn't have been a problem if they had both fucking lanes open.. why was the other one closed? please humor me! There was no reason to have it closed!!! WTF!!

So I hit the curb really hard and really loud.. which was embarrassing enough.. but no... then I park my car and go over to that side of it to check shit out.. and i hear a wooshing sound.. touch the back tire and yeah there's a big ass slash in it!!!!!!

GRRRRRRRRR So I called my ex's cousin who'se going to school down here for auto mechanics and he came over and put the spare on... now i have to call into work and it's only my second day at the bowling green kohl's.. GOD DAMN IT! I know you really can drive on a spare but I really really just don't want to... I'm stressed the fuck out right now...

what makes matters worse is the fact that the tires aren't even a week old.. I bought four new tires on monday... tomorrow makes a week!! Shit always decides to happen to me when I think everything is going good...

DON'T YOU QUIT!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.




This poem was given to me when I was in my self proclamed "dark years" I still read it when I feel down.. so I just wanted to pass it along to anyone that might need it.

Fuck Hoxworth

August 16th 2007.. a rather stressful and fun day. It started out at Coney Island with my mom, two cousins and 5 other kids whom one of the three of us was watching. I took the older kids around to the bigger rides which was fun. It was so fucking hot yesterday though so that sucked. Anyway after Coney Island I had to come home and give a flute lesson after which I had an appointment to donate blood.

I get to Hoxworth, fill out the questionare and go to have my stats done before getting in the chair. There is a question on the paper that asks do you have any heart or lung problems.. so I checked yes. Only because at birth and like 2 years ago I had an ekg done and it showed an abnormality. After further research into it.. it turned up to be nothing to worry about period. Just an electrical thing which means my heart transmitts messages to the valves, telling them when to pump differently than most people. I couldn't remember the name for it so I tried to explain it to the nurse. She took it to mean an irregular heart beat or something.. which it is nothing of the sort. Then the head dude came to talk to me about it and said I had to wait for their doctor in cincinnati to contact my heart doctor (which I no longer see.... as it was not a problem), or I could go get a note from my doctor, bring it back and donate that night.

So I decided to do the latter. When I came back in with the signed note allowing me to donate blood, the lady was a real bitch. She was like "you can't donate today, we told you that you have to wait for our head doctor to ok it." I responded with "Well what i'm trying to tell you is that that foreign dude and my nurse earlier said if I get a note from my doctor, bring it back and I can donate tonight." Then the dumb bitch got all in my face and said, "well i'm telling you our policies changed about three weeks ago.. our doctor has to approve it!!"

I wound up storming out the door yelling ,"well don't fucking call me with your harassing messages that i'm eligable to donate blood then! "

The whole situation just pissed me off. How the hell is their doctor going to be able to approve me to donate blood? Does she know me? Am I going to get an appointment for tests and shit with her? I highly doubt it. In all actuality, she'll be calling to talk to my doctor and ask if it's ok.. which was the whole fucking point of me going over to get the god damn note!! So I really just wasted my time and gas getting the fucking note that will in the long run do the same fucking thing their almighty doctor will do. What's more is this is like the 10th time i have donated.. never been a problem before has it? If they're going to educate a few nurses of the new policy.. educate fucking all of them!

They're a fucking donation place.. people come in there out of the good of their hearts to donate the blood of life.. to save other people's lives, getting nothing out of it in return but a bandaid. The last way someone who works at such organizations should treat the donor is how I was treated...
I guess they shouldn't give out those stickers anymore that say "be nice to me, I saved lives today.. i'm a BLOOD DONOR!"
Change them to say something like "I saved lives today, i'm a nice person TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!"

FUCK HOXWORTH!

9 Days.. and counting!

I don't really think anyone is ever going to read this. On that note.. i'm sure i'll say a lot of shit on here that I either might not want anyone to read, could be offensive, appaling, hilarious or any combination of said emotions.
I got the idea for this from Cameron.. I just thought it would be fun and something different to do with my time.

So today was a rather strange day. I had a girls day with my mom.. something that doesn't happen all that often. We started the day with shopping, mainly for stuff I need for school. Next we headed to Donatos for lunch which was amazing.. I havn't had it in over a year. I was hoping my friend from high school, Staci was working, but as i have HORRIBLE luck she wasn't. After that we went to see 1408 at danburry cinemas since we were going to Target and Linen's and things anyway. It was pretty good, but not really what I was expecting. I did however get to silently make fun of the dumbass 14 or so year old girls sitting in front of us. She kept trying to take a picture of herself with her friend in the middle of the movie.. on her cell phone. DUAH!
We come out of the movie and decide to go to Linen's and Things next. I couldn't find the comforter I wanted so I asked this dude whom I would later realize is gay in every sense of the word.
I have nothing against gay people.. it was just funny though.. he fit every stereotype associated with them. He was rocking the rainbow belt, bracelet and cartilage piercing.. also two studs in the ears. Tight girly looking shorts and a well taken care of hair doo. You can't forget the high pitched voice and the constant "Girl! I dunno if we have it or not!" He was also sporting some chicks name tag instead of his own... It said Brittany which is clearly a girl's name. When he was finished helping us my mom looked at him and said.. "Thanks for all your help Brittany!!" Omg it was hilarious.
All in all it was an interesting day I guess... different that's for sure.

In reguards to my title.. I leave in 9 days!! not that i'm counting or anything. I absolutely can't wait to go back down to Bowling Green Ky. My home. I feel so much more at home at school than I ever have at home. People are so much more polite down there. I'm sick of the rude ass city people. I love the spread out land of the country, the grazing cows and the sweet tea. I've made some of the best friends i've ever had down there. This has been one of the longest summers of my life. But, I have gotten a lot accomplished during the long ass days.
I got my car from my cousin. A 98 saturn, it's green and has a sunroof.. only thing I really need is new speakers. I've been working almost every day between baby sitting 3 days a week and working at Kohl's as a cashier. I recorded a Cd with my music director at church, gave flute lessons and even became top credit getter at Kohl's with special recognition from the managers.. woo hoo. I've managed to keep the peace all summer long at home.. which is a major accomplishment. I swear.. it reallllly sucks to be an only child with a single mom and never having a father figure for 19 years.
She has tried to shelter me all these years and not let me find out shit for myself... she doesnt' want me to make the mistakes she made. I finally understand this.. but until I did.. it only made me rebel more.. There was no kicking out this summer and that is definatly a good thing. My mom is my best friend.. which meand a very strange mother daughter relationship.

Hell this summer I even confessed a 5 year thing i've had for someone.. I seriously doubt anything will ever happen with it but hey at least it's out there. I thought it would make me feel better but i'm really not sure it has. I guess half of me was like.. damn if someone told me it had been five years strong I would have been like hell yeah or something along those lines.. but nothing of the sort really happened and it kinda sucks. Instead I wound up getting wasted at his house.. sending a few texts I regret and making shit awkward. I guess I always thought we had something in common. I think he is incredibly sexy, not to mention he has amazing teeth. Lol sorry I have an obsession with teeth and I won't give you the time of day if you have bad ones. Maybe I should be an Orthodontist?? I dunno.. it just sucks...after 5 years I finally let it out, we hang out, I blow it (that is if i even had anything to screw up) woowwww that came out wrong.... but it's just going to amount to nothing. Yeah it's been forever.. but still.. I guess i'm just dillusional about it all.

I'm sick of being single but on the other hand i'm also sick of guys. I get treated like shit in just about every relationship.. i've even had a few one night stands.. I just always get fucked over. While i'm sick of it.. i'm sick of being single.. yeah a one time thing can be fun I just like the feeling that someone's there for YOU... and the security.. something I havn't had too much of in my life. There's a lot behind my outgoing personality, bright smile and laugh... I only let a select few know about it.. I always choose the wrong ones to tell though.

anyway.. I just thought it would be a good thing to let it out there after all the years and it did feel a little better once I did. Thank god for Fb Honesty Box :)


Oh well 9 days until I can down an entire 5th by myself.. forget about it.. get insane.. drunk dial (which reminds me.. i better delete said person's number so I don't embarrass myself even more) smoke cigs to my hearts content.. take pictures and just enjoy it all.
WKU get ready..